epic fail

Turning My Epic Fail into Fuel for New Year

There have been many times in my life where I have failed – sometimes quite openly and dramatically. Other times my epic fail came behind closed doors and I was terrified to let anyone see me falling down. Today I am going to share how I am turning my personal biggest epic fail into fuel for a New Year and a new me!

Warning: foul language ahead

My dear friend and brilliant leader Lisa Marie Platske recently shared a post on her Upside Thinking blog about her 3 biggest failures this year and what she learned from them. Her commitment for this year is to show her vulnerability and she consistently does so with such grace. I was inspired by her challenge to consider my own biggest failings this year and how these can fuel my intentions and my goals for 2018.

(Phew, taking a deep breath. This is scary shit.)

I have failed a lot in business this year but they are good failures. Some were definitely in the epic fail category like not filling our live events or getting our evergreen webinar to convert… I learned so freaking much every time I failed and it was painful but also awesome. Many successful entrepreneurs preach that we should fail fast and that the faster we fail, the faster we learn and the faster we succeed. Okay, cool, I can get behind that in my business.

Everything I do in business seems to have a lesson to teach me personally.

Building a business is not a straightforward path, it’s more like driving down the windy roads of Baja California where the potholes are as deep as the cars and there are horses standing in the middle of  the road around the blind corners. As a business owner, the most spectacular lessons I have learned are about myself as woman, leader, mom, and wife.

I have been stretched beyond the borders of my comfort zone over and over. I have learned to dive deeply into myself to explore the depths of my limiting beliefs and emotional blocks around everything from money and creativity to leadership and organization. It’s pretty damn dark in there at times but I can always find the light.

The one remaining wild frontier that is my most epic fail.

It’s the learning edge that I approach and never cross completely over. It’s the lesson I can’t fucking seem to learn, even though I set goal after goal. It’s also the problem I have invested the most time, money and energy into solving in my lifetime; always looking for a fast, easy, painless solution.

That wild frontier is my relationship with my body. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been waging war against my physical body – with food, alcohol, thoughts and beliefs.

This is how it feels inside of me like there is a war that is constantly being waged between who I am now and who I say I want to be or how I think I am supposed to look.

If you follow me online I am always smiling and I am visible in my communities; I speak on stages around the country and share the occasional selfie. I am confident in many areas of my life, especially my intellect and my creativity. I have strong core values that guide my passions and intentions.

But I have been hiding in plain sight. I have been playing small. And I haven’t been completely honest.

I believe in peace.

I believe in love.

I say that loving-kindness is one of my top 3 core values along with integrity and authenticity.

And yet, I wouldn’t treat another human being or animal as harshly as I treat myself.

In my head and in my heart I know that this battle will only be won by self-compassion and self-love; still I resist. I dig in, I complain, I whine, I don’t believe that change is possible for me.

One of my friends asked me this year, “What if you treated yourself like the star of your business?”

What if…

Instead of being my own worst nightmare and my biggest enemy, I treat myself as the star?

The truth is I am so done with the battles.

I am done feeling this way, talking to myself this way, treating myself like shit, calling myself names and self-sabotaging at every turn.

I could blame the media, my family, tragedies from the past, societal norms and expectations. (I can’t say it’s baby weight, my babies are 18 and 16 this year.) My feminist self loves to rebel against what’s expected of me by others and say fuck you, I can do whatever I want. This is no longer serving me, my health, my business or my family. The only one I am hurting is me.

My epic fail of 2017 was not taking care of myself.

I made just about everything more important than me and my relationship with myself.

The truth is that I cannot make the impact or live the life I dream of when I feel so out of alignment with myself and my own values. I cannot make the impact or do my work if I don’t feel physically healthy and fit.

So this crazy, insane and intense war against me stops NOW, today.

68480527 - love yourself and the rest will follow. inspirational quote about self estimate and attitude. vector inspiration saying.

My most important quest for 2018 will be simple: to love myself.

I am the star of my own life. As I am right now, not how I want to be, hope to be or might someday be… but every abundant glorious cell of me right now. I have Stuart Smalley from Saturday night live in my head right now, but I am serious.

What if each and everyone one of us made peace with ourselves and truly loved ourselves as we are. Wouldn’t this change everything? I think we would have more peace and joy in our lives and this would expand beyond us to our family, our work and the world. This is the nature of the Buddhist loving kindness meditation. It has to start with me.

And because I know I can’t do this alone, tried that already, I will be sharing my journey here on this blog and on Instagram over the coming months.

I will be exploring through writing and art what it means to love myself unconditionally, to practice self-compassion and loving kindness every day.

Perhaps this feels like your most important quest for 2018 too?

Feel free to join in by sharing in the comments below what your biggest quest is for 2018. I will be sharing my journey along with prompts for self-reflection to support myself and you if you feel called in this joyful journey back to myself.

P.S. This is NOT a diet or work out plan and I am not looking for coaching, healing or advice. I am looking for loving support and companions for the journey. I am looking for others to share their stories of what has worked for them in their personal quest for self-love. Have something to share? Feel free to post in the comments below.